Why It's Not Good To Mix Magic with Fullmetal
by Panic.and.Pride
Summary: FMA X Harry Potter crossover! Why you may ask? because I wanted to! Yaoi, RoyxEd, maybe some HarryxDraco in future chapters
1. Chapter 1

**Why It's Not Good To Mix Magic with Fullmetal**

**Chapter One: If you close it fast enough, the door might not notice**

**Yes, another story!**

**Ah, I just love the smell of a Harry Potter crossover with Fullmetal Alchemist after 8:00!**

**Warnings: Boyxboy goodness, some swearing, a bit of OOC-ness and another one of my sad attempts at humor. This is based off the third year of Harry Potter, so it all should follow that plot.**

**Parings: RoyxEd, HarryxDraco in future chapters.**

**Ooo, yes. Since I think that everyone is writing some sort of crossover, I wanna write one as well! Yay for us all. Updates for this story WILL be slow, since I have other stories to write chapters for as well.**

**And I may not update this story for a while… + 100 days or so. Sorry, but I want to finish my other stories first, so this story will just be there.**

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"You'll be going to Hogwarts, a magic school somewhere in London."

Those were the first words Ed heard, after he sat down in Roy's office, after being called there for a new mission. Overall, he wasn't impressed.

"You need to work as a body guard, for some kid named Harry Potter. He is in danger from a mad murderer, and I think that the Philosopher's stone was said to be there. Everything you need to know is in the report."

"What the fuck, Colonel Shit, is this all about? Magic isn't real! Or do you mean like fairies? Oooo, look at me, I'm a pretty little fairy!" Said Ed, who was very open minded…. today, as he got off of his seat, and started to prance around the office. Al, who followed Ed wherever he went, watched and sweat dropped as he saw Ed turn his red jacket in a pink tutu. He put on said tutu, then pranced around some more, and did a little dance.

Roy just simply ignored Ed and his fairy dancing, but turned a light pink when Ed started to shout out "I'm a fairy! I'm a pretty little fairy!"

"No, Fullmetal, no fairies. Wizards and Witches. Yes, magic is very much real. And Al, sorry, but you have to stay behind. It'll look really weird if Ed was continually being stalked by a suit of armour. Fullmetal, yo- Fullmetal sit down!" Roy yelled at Ed, who was still dancing in the background. Ed stopped prancing and dancing around and sat down, still wearing the pink tutu, a light blush across his cheeks. Roy noticed this and smirked a little.

'Damn, he looks really cute when he blushes……….oh no wait, Fullmetal. Really cute. When blushes. Damn, I should stop reading those Yaoi fan fictions….' Roy, and as subtly as he could, quickly shook his head at that thought, trying to get it out of his head. But Roy's subtleness is about as subtle as a brick, so Ed and Al quickly gave concerned glances. Well, Al's more concerned, and Ed's a glance of humor.

"Um, Colonel, what's wrong?" asked the sweet and innocent 7' foot armor called Al. Roy then realized that his subtle as a brick shaking of head went noticed.

"Nothing Al, nothing at all. Now, Fullmetal, you leave in the morning with me, for London, where we will get all your school supplies." Hearing this, Ed naturally started to complain.

"What! Not you, you bastard! Why not Al?" His mouth was yelling at the Colonel Bastard. But his mind was going along a different track.

'_YEEESSS! Finally, spending a whole day with Roy_'

After a few more ranting moments, Ed finally calmed down.

"Whatever Fullmetal, I don't really care, now get your ass out of here, and I'll see you seven o'clock sharp outside headquarters, got that?"

"Yes sir." said a very pissed off shrim- I mean, Ed. He slowly walked to the door, with Al trailing behind.

"Damn I hate him! Well, at least I get to go to the school with you Al." complained and whined Ed, as he acted angry. He really didn't want Al to find out that he liked Roy.

"The school, brother? No, um, actually brother, the Colonel said that you'll have to go by yourself. He said it'll look weird if I came with you." said a now depressed Al. "If you were listening, instead of prancing and dancing around, you would have known that already."

Ed sighed, "Alright Al, come on. Let's go eat" And with that, the too brothers made their way to the lunchroom, to snack on some Meatball surprise and Caviar.

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The next day, a very groggy Ed sat in the steps leading up to the main building of the Headquarters. He yawned as he waited for Roy to finally arrive. He had gotten there at about six o'clock, meaning that he was one hour early. He yawn again, and checked his silver State watch, the time was seven thirty.

Roy was half an hour late.

Ed had just about enough of Roy. Yes, it did give him time to read and reread the report. Ed now knew it off-by-heart. Sure, Roy was tall, dark and handsome…….ok, so he was almost perfect. But he was so unreliable! Just as Ed's thought went down the path of Roy, as if on cue, Roy turned up. He was puffing, and a little red in the face. He looked as if he had run here.

"What took you so long, bastard?" yelled Ed. Roy looked at Ed, a fake shocked expression on his face.

"Well, I had to get ready; don't I look fabulous in this?" Roy said, twirling around. Ed sweat dropped, and Roy kept on doing his little dance. Soon, a group of people had managed to form a circle around the two, clapping along to the imaginary dance beat. Ed, thinking fast, quickly turned his coat into a hat and placed it on the ground. Soon people were coming up to the hat, and throwing money into it. Ed chuckled evilly.

After about five more minutes, the crowd left, off to find some other dancing loon. Ed was counting up the money, and he looked up to see Roy still dancing and singing about his clothes. Ed's eye twitched, as he yelled at Roy.

"Roy, STOP THAT FUCKING DANCING! Your clothes don't look any different then normal jeans and a plain white t-shirt! Get your ass back over here, so we can fucking catch the train to London already!"

Roy looked at Ed, shocked. Had Ed just used his first name? But before Roy could question Ed about it, Ed grabbed Roy by the back of his t-shirt, and dragged him off in the direction of the train station. Roy quickly pulled himself away from Ed, brushed off the imaginary dirt that got on his clothes, and walked along side Ed. As they kept walking, they somehow kept getting closer and closer to each other, until finally their arms touched. Ed, Realizing this first, blushed, and yet didn't pull away. Roy soon noticed this, and smiled. He also didn't pull away. They kept walking down the street, a bit too close for comfort.

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They arrived at the train station just in time to see it leaving.

They both yelled in panic, and chased after it. But fate was on their side that day, and they managed to get on the train…some how. That's when Roy decided to get back down to business.

"OK, Fullmetal, There's someone on this train who will be going with us to Hogwarts. His name is Professor Lupin. He will be teaching the Defense against the Dark Arts, oooooooo!" Roy said to Ed, waving his hands around making ghost noises, as they walked along trying to find this, 'Lupin' person. And sure enough, they found him.

In the last fucking carriage on this hilariously long train.

Lupin looked up from the book he was reading, to see them both standing in the opening of the compartment door, and gave a heart warming smile.

"Ah, so good to see you Roy Mustang, and, aw, what a cute little eleven year old we have here!" said Lupin, as he stared his grey eyes into Ed's.

"I'm FIFTEEN you BASTARD!"

Lupin looked confused for a moment, and then muttered out an apology. Roy and Ed sat in the compartment, as the awkward silence came. Roy sat next to Ed, which Ed found greatly to his delight and weird fantasies. Then Ed finally realized something, something that he should have realized ages ago.

"Wait." Ed's said in an innocent voice, as he turned to look at Roy. Roy raised one eyebrow, saying without words for Ed to continue on."…..YOU'RE COMING TOO?" The shouting caused some other people to look over at them, including a group of girls, while Roy tried to tell if he was deaf or not. After shaking his head a couple of times, and stuffing a finger into his ear. Soon enough, he realized he could hear, and quickly answered Ed's question.

"Yes, I thought I already said that…..and it was really obvious, why else would I be on this train with you?" replied Roy, as he went into a cute thinking pose. A couple of girls near by started giggle. Roy noticed this, and shot them a wave, wink and a smile. The girls started to giggle really loud and they nearly fainted. Ed noticed this, and hit Roy. Ed then sat pouted, his head turned away from Roy, trying to hide his glee of Roy going to the school with him. Lupin just raised one eyebrow at this, and went back to reading his book. They all sat the rest of the train ride in silence.

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As they all got off there train, at the King Cross Station, Ed then thought about something else, why was Roy going to Hogwarts or maybe, what was Roy going to do at Hogwarts? Ed decided to get this all important question out if his head.

"Hey Roy, why are you going to Hogwarts apart from the obvious reasons?"

Roy took a couple to moments to think of an answer, but he didn't need them. He was still trying to get over Ed's little pouting moment on the train. Damn, it was cute! Like a little kitten, or a picture of Chibi Envy in a bunny suit…..

"I'm going there to teach Alchemy to the students because…well, the headmaster, Dumbledore, and I've only gotten that far. We'll think of a reason when we cross that bridge."

Ed face palmed. 'Damn that lazy, bastard, sexy son of a bitch!' thought Ed, as he lifted his head from his hands. He looked at the Colonel, and sighed.

"And Roy, what about me? You can't expect the school to believe that I just wanted to go there for no reason! Shouldn't I be in the first year then?"

Roy just waved his hand in a 'don't worry, don't worry' kind of way.

"We have it all worked out."

Lupin then hurried them away. They all walked the streets of London, Ed being bored out of his mind, and Roy, looking at every passing girl. He felt like a kid in a candy shop. Ed saw this, felt hurt, and hit Roy again. This caused some fighting, which ended up in Lupin having to walk between the two to keep them apart.

About fifteen more minutes later and Roy was getting tired of walking. He wished he could walk next to Ed again. He sighed. But his thoughts of Ed were soon replaced with the thought of where the heck are we? Lupin then turned a left, and walked into this shabby looking pub. Ed and Roy exchanged worried glances, and then followed him into the dark pub.

Inside the pub/Inn place was filled with different kinds of weird people, in Ed's mind. There was this couple at the back, sipping away on a liquid that look like sherry, and a young wizard, stirring a cup of hot chocolate, without his hands. The spoon in the cup was moving on its own. Ed's eyes went wide in shock. The news that he _was _actually going to a magic school…..to learn magic…and of course to play bodyguard…everything he stood against. But his mind soon left those thoughts, and Roy came up behind him, and placed an arm over Ed's shoulder. He looked up at Roy, shocked. Roy just smiled, and kept walking. Ed had a light blush on his cheeks, and it didn't help that a couple of girls, or witches, were there, pointing at them and saying how 'cute' they looked together. One even got out a camera, and took a couple of photos. But Lupin kept walking through the pub/Inn.

"This will be where we'll be staying until it's time for us to leave for Hogwarts. We all have to share a room, because I don't have enough money for all of us to have our own rooms and you're already freeloading off me anyway." Lupin called over his shoulder. Ed looked at Lupin, then back to the group of girls, a look of pure terror on his face. That was something he wasn't looking forward too.

Lupin lead them all the way out to the backyard. Ed looked around, seeing nothing but a bin in the corner, and then turned to Lupin.

"Why are we out here again?" He asked, rather rudely. Roy hit him over the head, Ed yelled "Ow!", while Lupin just winked.

"You'll see."

Lupin then walked over to the corner, of the cement backyard, and with his wand, taped some brick on the wall. At once, the brick wall moved away. Roy and Ed could only gap in wonder, as Diagon Alley was reveled!

Lupin away his wand, and turned to speak to Ed and Roy.

"Welcome to Diagon Alley!"

All that Roy and Ed could do was stare at the busy street. They quickly moved more into it, as the brick wall quickly returned to a solid wall. The street was filled with shops, and witches and wizards. Lupin just rolled his eyes at there amazement, and quickly made his way down the street. Roy and Ed, or course, followed him, not wanting to get lost in this place. Lupin was pointing at the shops, naming them, and moving right along. This information was lost on Roy and Ed, who were still trying to get over it all. Suddenly, Lupin stood and looked at Ed.

"Yes, you'll be able to get all those things I just said," Ed coughed a little, and tried to look like he knew what Luipn was talking about. "After we go to Gringotts, the wizard bank. Come along now" said Lupin, as he walked into this big white building at the end of the street. Both Ed and Roy were amazed again, failing to hide there wide mouths. But they quickly followed Lupin. Lupin walked right through the great marble building, and left Roy and Ed to gaze upon it. These little creatures were running around it, some carrying gold, and other jewels. About one hundred of them were working behind desks, mad of wood. Ed was about to say something about it to Lupin, but Roy saw this coming and answered for Lupin.

"Goblins."

Ed looked at Roy, asking without words, how the hell did he know that? Roy laughed at the expression on Ed's face, and held up a book that said _One hundred and One magical creatures._

"It's in the book."

Ed just grumbled. "Fucking Colonel, and his too hot expression with his pretty boy hat, and sexy smirk!"

Roy quickly looked over at Ed. Did he just hear what he think he did? He wasn't even wearing a hat! Oh, and that sexy remark thing too. But before Roy could question Ed about it, Lupin called them over. He was standing in front of counter. Lupin waited for Roy and Ed to catch up, and then said to the goblin behind the counter "We'd like to take some money out of my safe, Professor Remus Lupin."

"Do you have your key, sir?" the goblin replied. Lupin looked through his pockets, and pulled out a small gold key. The goblin took it from Lupin, and study it for a moment, before nodding in approval, and turning to another goblin.

"Griphook! You are to take Pro. Lupin to his safe, now!" Griphook nodded, and asked Lupin to follow him. Lupin then turned to Roy and Ed.

"Now, you guys wait outside for me until I'm done, ok?"

They both nodded, Lupin smiled and followed Griphook through a door behind the counter. Roy and Ed then both walked out of the bank, surprised glances here and there.

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They waited on the steps of the bank, for what seemed like forever. But this was a perfect chance for Ed and Roy to get to know each other better. However, that would be way too predictable, so we'll just skip to the part when Lupin reappears.

Lupin finally cam out of the bank, money sack in hand. He smiled at Roy and Ed again.

"Edward, do you have your letter?"

Ed looked confused, before shouting out, "What? What letter? No one ever gave me anything!" said the over dramatic Ed, running away to some dark corner, filled with angst and emo-ness.

Roy quickly looked through his pockets and a found a letter addressed to Ed.

"Here you are, Ed, sorry about that!" Roy grinned down at Ed. Ed blushed at the use of his first name, and quickly took the letter from Roy's hand. Their fingers lightly touched, and sent warmth down Ed's arm. Ed shivered at this, but quickly tried to forget about it, and opened the letter. It read:

_Dear Mr. Elric_

_We are pleased to inform you that you have a place in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by not later than July 31. Also, since you are starting at the third year, you will have to buy a couple of extra books, so you will not fall behind. As well as your equipment list, there is a permission form, if you get it signed by your parent or guardian, allowing you to visit Hogsmade on some weekends. We recommend that you did, since the only reason you are coming to Hogwarts is to bodyguard Harry Potter._

"Oh, Well that's just a tad bit random" Ed mumbled to no one as he read the letter again. Lupin just nodded and signaled for Ed to looking inside the letter again. As he brought his hand out, he was holding two piece of parchment. He opened the first one, and it read:

_Here is the list of everything you need for your third year. I would also recommend you buying the Standard Book of Spells, Grade one and two, for a bit of background information._

_Uniform_

_1. Three sets of plain work robes (black)_

_2. One plain pointed hat (black) for day wear_

_3. One pair of protective gloves (dragon hide or similar)_

_4. One winter cloak (black, sliver fastenings)_

_Please note that all pupils' clothes should carry name tags_

Ed snorted at this, which cause Lupin and Roy to look at his strangely. Ed lowered his head again, blushing, and continued to read the parchment.

_Set books_

_The Standard Books of spells, Grade Three - by Miranda Goshawk_

_A History of Magic - by Bathilda Bagshot_

…..

Ed gave up reading the whole entire book list and just skipped it.

_Other Equipment_

_1 wand_

_1 cauldron (pewter, standard size 2)_

_1 set glass or crystal phials_

_1 telescope_

_1 set brass scales_

_Students may also bring an owl OR a cat OR a toad._

Ed lifted his head back up and stared at Lupin.

"So, we buy all this now?" Ed questioned, waving the letter in his hands.

"Yes, yes, come along" said Lupin, as he walked towards a shop called _Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions_.

And thus started the epic shopping adventure for Ed's magical gear.

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**XD I can just imagine Ed running out on the street yelling out "I'm a fairy! I'M A FAIRY!"**

**Yes, I get my kicks from imagine stuff like that…**

**Ah, there goes the first chapter already.**

**Updates for this chapter will be slow, as I have other stories to attend to. So don't get mad at me for not updating!**

**Good? Bad? Why am I still writing more stories? Please Review and tell me! Flames will be accepted, grammar and spelling checked, and sent back to the senders.**

**Hope you enjoyed reading it!**

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**NOW READ THIS! THIS IS A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR WHO WILL HUNT YOU ALL DOWN WITH A PLANBOOK IF YOU DON'T READ IT! (Fear the school supplies.)**

Okay, I want every one of you who read this to review. Mostly because I said so but also because Panic is an awesome author who deserves to have her stuff reviewed. And, for any authors out there, you guys love it when your stuff is reviewed and you all feel horrible when there's a million hits and not one measly review, right? Well, if you review, then I will personally go read your stuff and write a long review for you. Equivalent exchange, right? Not to mention that people put hard work into writing their stuff so the least you could do is review. Now go click on the button, it'll make everyone try harder. Flames will be taken by me to use on my homework. I call all dibs on those things, gawd knows I'll need them.

Love, DaRLinG1357


	2. Chapter 2

**Yay! It's the second chapter! **

**Yes, yes, this took my ages to type AND I put off writing the 8th chapter for 'This Was NOT Part of The Plan', which I will finish soon!**

**Warnings: OOC! (sorry, I forgot to put that in the last chapter), swearing and some more Boyxboy goodness. I also take parts and quotes out of the book.**

**I don't own FMA or Harry Potter!**

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And after that not so epic shopping adventure, in which Ed yelled at a couple more people for calling him short and had to be escorted away from them by Roy, not that Ed minded that much but still, while Lupin paid and apologized for Ed's yelling. Ed also got his wand, which took most of the day to find one just right for him. Roy fell asleep during the search for Ed's wand, and Lupin just played with his finger nails. Ed got really, really annoyed after about the 100th wand, but they found one…eventually. Ed then had to go get his robes, which was a bit of a disaster. But finally, after all the shopping was done, Ed, Roy and Lupin return to the Inn/pub to have a nice rest and a late…dinner.

"No, damnit! I want the bloody salad!"

"NO, Fullmetal! You're getting that kids meal!

"No, Colonel Shit, I want that damn salad!"

"Will you two just SHUT UP!"

"Wow, Lupin, just stay out of this!"

"Yeah, who asked you?"

"That's it! Roy, just let Ed get that damn salad. I don't even know why his eating habits are of your concern!" cried Lupin, ending their, loud, conversation. Ed poked his tongue out at Roy, who just grumbled. Roy then turned to the scared waiter, who had been watching Roy and Ed fight, and ordered. It was silent until Roy and Ed started up another loud conversation.

"No, Colonel, unicorns do NOT lay eggs"

"You sure, Fullmetal? Because I could have sworn they did…"

"…You are SO stupid!

"Why, than- Hey! That's mean! Lupin, Ed's being mean to me!"

"Ed, stop annoying the Colonel and shut up. Roy, be a man for once, please! Now both of you SHUT UP and wait for your DAMN meals."

Awkward silence quickly followed Lupin's outburst, as everyone sat in silence waiting for their meals. Ed deiced to glare at Roy to fill in time. But soon, that glare just became a stare, and it was really starting to piss Roy off. He was just about to question Ed about it, When Lupin spoke up.

"Well, I'm sure you'll be looking forward to Hogwarts, Ed. You better start reading those extra books, if you don't want to be left behind. I'm sure you'll make lots of friends when you start school tomorrow-" started Lupin, before he was cut off by Ed.

"What? We're starting school_ tomorrow_? Dammit, Mustang, you could've told me!" and with that, Ed went to find his inflatable Emo corner and sat in it. Lupin sighed again but those thoughts were soon forgotten as rat jumped up on the table and was quickly followed by an orange cat.

Roy, upon seeing the rat, screamed like the little girl he really is. But the rat and cat left as quickly as they had come. Roy put a hand on his fast beating heart, trying to calm himself down. Lupin tried not to laugh at Roy, as that would have been rude.

The meals came eventually and Ed got to eat his damn salad. Then all three and them went to the room Lupin was paying for. Ed stayed up really late, with the room light still on, trying to read all those damn text books. He mind was following with magic, even if he still didn't believe in it. Ed was so focused in his work that Roy had to throw his shoe at him to get his attention.

"Ow, what the he- Roy, can't you see I'm trying to bloody read all this!" ranted Ed. _And there goes the use of a first name again,_ thought Roy. But Roy didn't' complain, no, he liked the way it sounded coming our of Ed's mouth.

"Ed, go to sleep, and turn off the damn light as well!" Roy replied, rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. Ed grumbled and cursed silently, but still did what he was told and switched off the light. I room was thrown into semi-darkness, as Ed tried to find his way back to his bed. Let's just say he failed, and ended up tripping over a lot of crap. But he got back into his bed on the ground and fell asleep quickly. It's such a shame that he had to get up two hours later.

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Ed was awakened by an ugly smiling guy with his two front teeth missing. He wasn't happy.

"Ahh! RAPE! This ugly guy is going to RAPE me!" screamed Ed at the top of his lungs, jumping out of bed, also waking Roy and Lupin.

"Ah…my head… why the hell are you screaming rape, Ed?" was the first thing Lupin said when he woke up. He was not a morning person. All that Ed could do was point at the strange but ugly man. When Roy saw the man, he also screamed.

"OH my god, that is the ugliest man I have ever seen!" Roy exclaimed loudly. "Who would come out of the house look-"

"Roy, be nice! This is just the inn keeper, Tom." said Lupin, successfully cutting Roy off. Ed mage an 'ohh'ing sound and Roy still looked confused.

"Wait, do all inn keepers go into the rooms of their customers and stare at them?" Roy asked, looking at Lupin. Lupin just shrugged and turned his attention to his watch.

"Oh shit! Ed, Roy hurry up! We're going to miss the train at this rate!"

So, Ed and Roy ran around, packing things and knocking lamps over. Ed just threw everything he owned into his trunk, which he also got when they went shopping, and Roy….well, he did nothing since he was smart and packed the night before. So after a hurried few minutes, the boys left the Inn and started the long journey to Kings Cross Station in a taxi.

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They got to the station with about half an hour to spare. This surprised Ed, since he was always late for catching trains. They unpacked the taxi, paid the cab driver and set off to find the train.

"So…Lupin, what train are we taking to this school, Hogtrats or whatever? Is it that train? Or is it this train? OMG, I bet it's that shiny red one!" squeaked Ed, as he ran around looking at all the trains. Roy found this very amusing, and made a mental note to black mail Ed about it later. Lupin just shook his head and kept walking forward. Soon enough, he stopped between the platforms 9 and 10.

"What the hell are we doing here?" Ed rudely asked Lupin, as he turned his head on the side looking extremely cute. "Hey, how about we ask that man about the train to that magic school, I'm sure he won't think I'm restarted or what not. My mister, do you kno-"

"Oh Ed, shut up! I know where we are!" Lupin said, placing a hand over Ed's mouth. Roy felt a ting of jealously run through his veins. He really wanted to touch Ed, not this low life smart-ass guy they had just met!

"The platform we are looking for is platform 9 3/4." Said Lupin as if it was the sanest thing in the world. Roy and Ed both looked at Lupin confused. Lupin just rolled his eyes. "All you have to do is walk between the platform 9 and 10. Come on, come on, we don't have all day!" continued Lupin, before himself stepping through the platforms and disappeared. Ed and Roy gasped, as they looked every where for the professor. Ed was just about to call for the professor, when he heard someone call me from behind.

"Hey, are you guys going to Hogwarts?" asked a red haired teenager. Standing next to him was a brown haired guy and girl.

"Um, yes! We were just wondering how to get to the trai-" started Roy, but he was cut off by the girl with extremely bushy hair.

"Oh, you want to get on the train? I know how to get on the train! Just follow me and I'll show you!" she said, before stepping into the platform brick wall and disappearing like Lupin. Ed and Roy gasped again.

"Come on, we're going to miss the train! Hurry up now!" said the brunette guy, as he stepped and followed the girl through the wall. The red haired soon followed them as well. It hit Ed just then, who the brunette guy was.

"Hey, that brunette guy was Harry Potter, wasn't he? Damn, he looks like a nerd, I can't believe I have to look after him!" complained Ed loudly to Roy, as they both stepped through the wall. "I mean, what nerdy friends he has as we-" but Ed was cut off, as he saw what was past the not so brick wall.

A scarlet steam engine was waiting next to a platform crowd with tons of people carrying trunks just like Ed's. A sign over head said _Hogwarts Express, 11 o'clock_. Before Ed could admire anything else, Lupin came, pushing through the crowds and stopped in front of Roy.

"Oh thank goodness you got through. Come now, onto the train!" Lupin said, as he pushed Roy and Ed in the direction of the train. "Come on, our compartment is at the back of the train!" So the guys went to the end of the train, got on the train and went to the compartment. The compartments on the train weren't even that fancy. They were quite plan, with two red coloured benches, carpeted floors and a light hanging from the ceiling. Ed yawned; he was extremely tired since he barely got any sleep last night. He heaved his heavy trunk up above the seat and thought about how much he just wanted to sleep. So, he immediately sat down and went to sleep.

Roy smiled down as him from where he stood in the door way to the compartment. He thought about how Ed's hair seemed to catch the light just right, so it seemed to glow gold. He also thought about how Ed looked so peaceful when he slept, without the stress of his harsh reality. He thought ho-

"Dammit, Mustang, what's the hold up?" complained Lupin, as he pushed past Roy into the compartment and sat down on the seat/bench thing that Ed wasn't occupying. Lupin then also yawn, lay down across the seat, put his coat over his head and also went to sleep. Roy stared and tried to decide where to sit. He gave up on that idea and decided to tackle it later. So, he did what any other alchemist would of done and looked through Lupin's suitcase. He dug his hands in and pulled out a bottle of liquor. He almost whopped in joy, but then remembered that Lupin was sleeping. So he took the bottle and the glass, which he found next to the bottle, and went back to deciding where to sit. After deciding, with a smirk on his face he made his way over to Ed. Ever so carefully, he lifted Ed's head up, put his ass down on the seat and placed Ed's head on his lap.

He poured himself a glass of this alcohol and continued to stare down at Ed. While he was staring in a way many stalkers would envy, he yawned. He was also tired, for reasons we won't go into. So, he put the glass and cup on this little bench that just happen to be there and went to sleep just as the train left the station.

Now, this is about the part when Harry, Ron and Hermione come in. Since everybody else on the train sucks, they went in search for a compartment private enough so Harry can tell the rest of the guys that he's being stalked by this killer guy. So, this brought the trio down to the very end compartment. Harry felt for sure that no one would be in it, but he was wrong.

"Maybe we should go back and try to find…" Hermione trailed off as she looked around the compartment with Lupin, Ed and Roy sleeping in it. But you could tell by her tone of voice, that she wanted to be in this compartment with two hot guys out of the three. Who wouldn't?

"No, woman! I'm not walking all the way back up the train! We'll just sit on the floor!" Ron said, trying to look mad, but failing and looking desperate.

"No Ron, that's a stupid idea!"

"Yeah, we could just sit on the floor…"

"Omigawd, Harry! That's an excellent idea!" cried Hermione and she pushed Harry into the compartment and closed the door, leaving Ron rejected again. He cursed under his breath, as he opened the compartment door and walked into it.

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"Omigawd, we're in a compartment with fags!" was the first thing Ron cried out upon setting foot in the compartment. Both Harry and Hermione hit Ron over the head and continued to rant on.

"God, Ron, could you _get_ any louder-"

"There's nothing wrong with being gay! There are a lot of goo-"

"-You're being rude Ron, what would-"

"-d things gays can do! I mean, they're jus-"

"-have happened it one of them woke u-"

"-t normal people who want to live a normal lif-"

"Oh. My. God, just stop it alright, I'm sorry! I won't say it again!" Ron muttered, ending the rants. Harry and Hermione just nodded and sat down on the ground. Ron rolled his eyes as well.

"Guys, I've got something important to tell you…" said Harry, as Hermione and Ron leaned in closer to him.

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"So, I have to lie low this year at school" Harry finished, after telling Ron and Hermione about how he's being stalked by that mad murderer. Ron's mouth was wide open, like a gold fish and Hermione looked like she was about to have a heart attack. They started talking about what Harry can do to avoid doing anything rash, when the train came to a noisy stop and successfully woke Roy.

"What the…who the hell are you people!" yelled Roy at the trio. He looked around the compartment, trying to remember what had happened before he fell asleep. Memories hit him will full force, as he looked down to his lap. Ed's head was still placed in his lap, as Roy blushed.

"Well, hi, I'm Harry," Harry started.

"I'm Ron,"

"And I'm Hermione. I was just also wondering if that kid on your la- omigawd, the window is freezing!" said Hermione, as she pointed over to the window. And just then, the lights threw a spaz and died. Now, if my memory serves me correctly, this is about the time when Ginny and Neville come in to the compartment, making it all really awkward. So, yeah.

"Who's that?"

"Who's _that_?"

"What are you doing?"

"I was looking for Ron -"

"Come in and sit down -"

"Not here! I'm here!"

"Ouch!"

"Who the hell are these guys?"

"Quiet, damnit! I've got a hangover!" said a harsh voice suddenly. The whole compartment went quiet, as Lupin used his wand to light the room. Roy was amazed by this, as he hadn't seen any real magic up close yet.

"Cool, how do you do that?"

"It's not important, stay where you are! I'll just go talk to the driver and - " but he never got that far, as the compartment slid open. There stood a dementor in the door way, and Ed chose now to finally wake up.

Ed blinked the sleep out of his eyes, just about the time when everything went bitter cold. Ed gasped at the sudden coldness and started to hear voices in his head. He heard his brother screaming, as those bad memories over took his head and brain, forcing him to see and hear what he had done. He also started to shake uncontrollably.

Roy looked down to his lap and noticed that Ed was shaking. Sure, Roy was scared, but Ed took terrified and Roy could tell that he was about to pass out. So Roy did the only thing the military taught him to do and snapped his fingers.

Boom went the dementor as it exploded into flame. The rest of the kiddies in the compartment were shocked. Roy smiled in achievement and looked back down at Ed. He noticed that Ed was still shaking, so he wrapped his arms around Ed and pulled him close.

Ed still didn't know what was going on, but at least he felt warm. He slowly opened his eyes again, and saw the protected arms that held him. His eyes went wide was he realized who those arms belonged too, as he moved his head slightly so he could see the rest of the compartment. The last thing he saw was a huge group of people hanging around a space on the floor in which Ed was sure, there was a person lying there before he blacked out.

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"- and Roy, dear god Roy, we could of gotten ride of the dementor _without_ setting it on fire! You almost burnt down the whole train!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I swear, I'll try to prevent burning stuff down!"

"Oh wow, how did you do that? Without using a wand or anything?"

"Well, little girl, thing is-"

"Hey, shut up!" said a pissed off Ed, as he arose from Roy's lap. At that same time, Harry also started to stir from his unconscious state. He took Ed a second or two to realize, that he had been lying in Roy's lap. He blushed a deep red, happy that no one was actually looking at him.

"Ah, Ed, what good timing! We're just about at Hogwarts now, so everyone better get changed!" Lupin said happily. Ed's eyes clouded with confusion, as he didn't know what the fuck was going on.

"What…what the hell's going on here?" Ed yelled loudly. Everyone is the compartment went quiet and turned to stare at Ed. Roy quickly pulled Ed back onto his lap.

"I'll explain everything later" Roy's breathe tickled Ed's ear, as Ed's face grew steadily redder. But he didn't have much time to think, as Roy pushed him off, stood up and walked out of the compartment. Ed grumbled as he also started to change.

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Getting off the train and heading up to the castle was uneventful. Ed was told to leave his trunk where it was and follow Ron, Harry and Hermione (Ed was told their names by Lupin in the explanation of what happened on the train) up to the castle. To start the journey to the castle, Ed and the trio hopped on some carriages pulled by these weird horse things. Ed questioned about what kind of horse they were, and got weird glances from the trio. Ed then shut his mouth and sat the rest of the rise in silence, looking out the window and waiting to see Hogwarts. He didn't have to wait long, as the castle soon came into view.

A huge castle stood on top of that hill, over looking a lake. Ed almost gasped at the size of the castle, but held the gasp in as the carriages stopped in from of these huge oak doors. The doors immediately opened and this batty looking woman worked out of them. Ed laughed at her, was hit over the head by Hermione. That strange woman walked right up to them.

"Potter, Granger! I would like to see you in my office. Oh and Elric, would you be so kind and follow Ron to the great hall. I'll explain about your stay at Hogwarts tomorrow morning." Said the strange lady. So, Harry and Hermione had no choice but to go with crazy old witch and Ed followed Ron along with everyone else to the 'Great Hall' and what waited for them in there.

Ed gasped as he walked into the hall. Thousands of millions of candles floated in the air, over the enchanted ceiling that showed the weather. Ed looked around, taking in everything. His eyes soon fell to what seemed to be the teachers and finally again on Roy.

Roy was sitting up with the rest of what Ed was sure, were the teachers at this school. Ed was happy to know that, the Colonel Bastard was looking as confused as Ed felt. Ed returned his glaze back to Ron, who had sat on some table to the right. Ed had only sat for about a minute, before what seemed to be the head master

"Hello my homies and whattup. I am your new Dumbledore this year. First off, I would like to introduce a new subject and teacher. This year, we will introduce Alchemy to the schools subject choice, you dig? Wyrd. Now, the teacher's name is Roy Mustang, and I hope all of you bitches'll treat him with respect."

Roy stood up when he name was acknowledged, and waved around the hall. Already, Ed could tell, that almost every girl loved him. Ed grumbled about that fact, pouted and folded his hands across his chest.

Ed tuned out the old-new Dumbledore's voice. He almost fell asleep at the long list of rules and other junk that had no interest to him, but he heard his name.

"And I have another announcement to make. Edward Elric, who is new to this school and is Lupin's long lost cousin, will be starting in the third year, because he had been traveling for the past 3 years and couldn't make it to Hogwarts then."

Ed stared at the Headmaster, and then slowly turned to took at Roy. He then slowly placed his head in his hands.

"Now it's time for the sorting!"

Ed groaned out loud, his stomach following the example. So, to try and take his mind off the food, he daydreamed. First off, he wondered where that old witch had taken Harry and Hermione. Then, his eyes flickered to where the teachers sat and fell on Roy.

Roy also looked like he was about to fall asleep, as the sorting went on.

"Ok, now stuff your faces full!" declared Dumbledore, as the golden plates were suddenly filled with food and successfully getting Ed and Ron out of their daze. Ed gasped and screamed happily as he did just what the head master said and stuffed his face with food. Harry and Hermione came just as the food appeared and were shocked to find how much the little alchemist could fit into his mouth. They sat staring as the alchemist ate, but soon started eating themselves.

After the meal, the head minister said a few more things and sent everyone off to bed.

They passed through many corridors and climbing staircases that Ed would have to check out tomorrow, when Hermione said something every random.

"Sorry, I can't keep this in any longer! Oh what a cute little 13 year old!" said Hermione

"I'm fifte- I mean, yes, thirteen you blasted idiot" said Ed with shifty eyes.

"Hermione, you're so weird! But I must admit he is still very cute..." said both Harry and Ron, at the same time! Ed looked at them, scared, when he noticed a certain pure white haired kid looking their way. Harry also saw him, couched and pushed Ron, Hermione and Ed away. Ed looked back at the strange kid, his eyes narrowing. They lead up Ed to the Gryffindor tower, told him the password (which was 'Gabber mouth') and showed him the common room.

"Well, I'm beat, see you guys tomorrow! Bye Harry!" said Hermione as she ran up a spiral staircase. Harry just shook his head, Ron glared and Ed stood there confused.

"Come on, let's hit the hay!"

"What hay Harry? There's no hay here!"

"It's just an expression Ron!"

"Oh…ok then"

And thus ended the day in which Ed started the school!

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**I know, random and OOC, but hopefully it's still good! HA! It's about 4000 words! My longest yet!**

**Good? Bad? Why do keep writing? Please Review and tell me! Sorry, but I really need at least 5 people to review this chapter! I need to know that people are enjoying my story! And if you review, I may update it faster!**

**Flames will be now given to my editor, who will grammar and spell check them and maybe add** **sentence or two, and send them back to me so I can then send them back to the senders. But, instead of putting me through that hard process, you can just not flame.**

**+Editor's Note+**

Weeeeeeell, I suppose you could flame but if you flame the story, you're flaming my hard thinking and editing process. If you're gonna flame, I suggest you don't log on. But maybe Panic could do a signed reviews thing only just so I could track down the flamer and flame their stories in turn. I've never flamed anyone before… but I have a lot of pent up anger from school and idiots at school… like I said, go ahead and flame…

On another note, nice people need to review! Because everyone likes reviews and even though Envy plays no significant role here, I think, I'm sure I could pull him from another of Panic's stories and make him confess that he's a goofy goober! Yeah, wouldn't you like to see that? That is the one image I run on every school day.


	3. Chapter 3

**This chapter is shorter then the last one, but hopefully still worth reviews!**

**Wow, I think I just got my first flame…I think anyway. It's from this person called 'cc'. I've gone through my mind to try and think of what 'cc' stands for. The best I got was "Cowardly Cunt' or maybe even something weird like 'Catty Catherine'. But no offence to the Catherine's out there. I quote, **

_**All the characters are made to be idiots**_

**No shit, Sherlock. Well, at least the person isn't THAT dumb. That's why I put the OOC warning at the top of the page, just for people like you. It's also called Fanfiction, so I can write about what I want! And the person is also very observant. I wonder how many times person X read the chapter to come to that conclusion. **

**But I should just stop now. I didn't even know the person meant that message to be a flame. But since person X reviewed, I was even more pumped to write another chapter, just to annoy them with my 'non-plot-ness'. I also really shouldn't be mean to a person I don't even know. I also shouldn't be bashing their opinion. So if you're that 'cc' person, thank your lucky stars that I'm a fucking nice person.**

**Warnings: OOC-ness, Boyxboy goodness, swearing and stupid-ness. I thank all the people who read my warnings, you're all hard-core!**

**And a special thanks to all my reviewers out there who have reviewed my story. I LOVE you all! If I could give you food, I would. Trust me. **

**So, let's rock this story down! **

**I don't know if that sentence made any sense at all…**

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Where we last left our favourite alchemist, he was following Harry and Ron blindly to the dormitory room. Which was weird, since Ed is usually complaining about how tired he is or how much the Colonel sucks. But he kept quiet when walking, which would have freaked Al out if he had been there. But he wasn't, since he is still stuck in that hate-that-bitch-of-metal armour. So Ed just kept his mouth shut, thinking that there were no more surprises left in this day. But when he got to this dormitory, he was surprised to find three other boys jumping on each others beds, having a pillow fight.

"What the fuck?" was the first thing that came out of Ed' mouth when he viewed the scene before him. The guys who were jumping around stop and stared across the room at Ed. Ed took this time to check them out, but not in that way.

He noticed that all of the boys were quite thin, with only one of them lightly over-weight. He didn't get to finish checking them out, but not in that way, since one of them who was the slightly over weight one cried out.

"Ohmigod, SLEEPOVER TIME!" He said. He jumped off the bed he was on and sprinted to what Ed assumed was his trunk and pulled out bags upon bags of candy. All the other boys cheered and followed that kid with the candy to the seats near the window. Ed sighed; he knew that this was going to be a long night.

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Well, after the boys had enjoyed eating their candy, roaring like animals and pillow fighting, Ed finally got to bed. But during this little 'male bonding' time, Ed had learnt the names of the rest of the kids in his dorm. He also learnt a couple of things about Hogwarts.

.;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/; **FLASHBACK TIME!** ;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;/;

"_And that's what you do when you meet a troll." finished Harry. Ed stared at Harry in confusion. Harry sighed, and almost started to explain it again, but was cut off by the guy that called himself Neville._

"_Harry, how about we teach Ed something useful about this school?" suggested Neville and was immediately backed up by the rest of the boys. The two other boys nodded, while Harry looked upset and pouted where he sat. So on went the lovely conversation about the castle._

"_Blah blah blah!" went one of the boys who wasn't Neville. Ed had a bad habit of ignoring everyone when they ranted on about crap. "Oh, and watch out from the Slytherins! They're evil…evil I say! Especially that Draco Malfoy, the blonde! He's trouble I tell you!"_

"_He's not that bad!" shouted Harry suddenly. The other boys turned to watch Harry's face grow redder with embarrassment. _

"_Go to bed, Harry!" said one of the boys who name escapes me, as he pointed to Harry's bed. Harry nodded quietly left his chair and went to bed. That's when Ed tuned out again._

----------------------------------------------------------------- **END FLASH BACK!** ---------

So yeah. Ed soon found himself drifting off to sleep, which didn't last long, as he heard someone whispering his name.

"Ed…Ed…I'll rape you if you don't wake up….I'm taking off my pants now….wake up….dammit, I'm so slapping you!" said the stranger that stood besides Ed's bed, as the stranger bent down and slapped Ed. Ed's eyes shot open, surprised as he fell out of bed. He was about to scream, when he felt a strong hand hurried place over this mouth. The hand had a strong grip, so Ed had to chance of speaking, but he could still mumble. And mumble he did.

"whhommum mmu fuumm armmumm yoummm?" mumble Ed. If the room was lit up, you would have seen the stranger blink at least three times.

"Well, I didn't understand a word you just said. Anyway, I'm here to tell you that I'm excepting you in my new office first thing tomorrow morning. Well, I- ew, you licked me!" said the stranger, as he jumped away from Ed. Ed chuckled evilly, and jumped on the stranger. In a matter of seconds, Ed had the stranger pinned top the soft carpeted ground of the dormitory.

"Ok, who the fuck are you and why are you waking me at-" Ed quickly looked around the room for any signs of a clock. Finding none, he just went back to speaking. "- this time of night!" whispered Ed to the stranger, as he didn't want to wake the other boys. Since it was like pitch black, Ed still didn't know who the stranger was or how close he was getting to said strangers face.

"What the hell, Fullmetal? I'm Roy! Who else would I be? And I'm here to tell you that I'm excepting you in my office tomorrow first thing tomorrow so we can discuss why the hell you are here!" complained Roy angrily, as Ed still wouldn't loosen his grip. Ed just smirked.

"You have no right waking me up at this hour! Couldn't you just have waited until it was at least light?" whispered Ed again, making sure that he mouth found Roy's ear, trying to make it sound like a threat. But it failed, as all it did was pass as a sexy remark, as Roy's face started to blush as he felt Ed's warm breathe on his ear. But no way was he going down like this! So, with the lightning fast reflexes only Roy could posses, he somehow flipped Ed over so that now he, Roy, was on top.

"Well, I could have waited. But I really wanted to see you, you know." now it was Roy's turn to be sexy and whispered that sentence into Ed's ear. Roy felt Ed shiver. Roy's smirk grew wider, as he pressed his body against Ed's small one. "You know, you look really-" but whatever Roy was going to say, was cut off by Neville.

"Ed…are you ok?"

And in a flash, Roy got up of Ed, winked at him in the dark and left the dormitory. So Ed was left on the floor, with only memories of Roy's body heat.

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At about 4:00am, Ed woke up and decided that it was a good time to try and find Roy's office. So he got dressed and headed out of the common room when realization struck him like an angry woman.

He had no idea where Roy's office was.

After waking around this never ending castle of doors and stair cases, fate finished playing with the little Chibi and let him find Roy's classroom. Ed stood in front of a door which had a flashing sign that read: _Mattress factory. We make mattresses! _No, no I'm just playing with you guys. It really read: _Roy's office, home of the hottest guy in Hogwarts!_ Ed sighed, since that statement was true and opened the door only to be thrown into a dark room. Ed sighed, and turned on the light.

"So, I see you found this class room alright!" said the hottest guy in Hogwarts a.k.a Roy mustang sat at a desk that resembled his own back home in Central.

"It wasn't that hard to miss…" trailed off Ed, as he looked back and nodded to the closed door, which in the other side had that huge sign on it.

"Yes, yes, I put that sign up so no one would miss it. So, anyway, let's get down to business. Since you're only here because I'm making you baby-sit a thirteen year old kid from some mad killer, I'm going to laugh at you because I just forgot what I was going to say. Ha ha ha! But you now have to follow Harry were ever he goes, like some crazy stalker or just like your brother, Al. I mean, that's really creepy. Do you know how weird it looks to us? Tell Al to stop it, or I'll go to the police or some shit like that. Anyway, even if he skips class or jumps into that lake with the giant squid or runs off with someone, I want you to follow his every move, and then write a really long and unnecessary report about it." ranted Roy for a while. But Ed wasn't paying attention to any of it, and focused on something a bit more important: Roys' face. Roy still looked as handsome as ever, Ed noticed as he stared into those almost-black-but-they-are-actually-really-dark-blue-anyone-could-drown-in eyes and wonder what it would be like to be Roys' boyfriend. This was one of Ed's favourite past times to do when Roy went off into one of his rants. Ed took the time to memorize Roy's face, from ear to ear and try to picture the face when he closed his eyes. But his thoughts were interrupted, when Roy started to slap Ed.

"Ed! Snap.out.of.it" said Roy, in between every word, he slapped Ed. Ed ended up screamed.

"Stop it, you crazy son of a bitch! I got your damn point. Now, if you don't mind, I'm off to breakfast!" said Ed, blushing because he had been caught day dreaming and just took this moment to remember how close Roy was to him last night, and left the room in a hurry. Roy smiled as the door slammed shut, thinking about how cute Ed looked when he was angry.

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Ed walked into a very weird conversation that was happening on the Gryffindor table. He silently sat down next to Hermione, and watched as she fought over something with Ron.

"So, let me get this straight. Heterosexuals are good, homosexuals are bad, but bisexuals are awesome? What the hell?" said Ron. Harry looked at Ron confused, while Hermione just sighed and face palmed. Ed chuckled quietly and blushed. He then reached for everything on the table, and began to woof it down with great speed. The whole Gryffindor table stopped to watch Ed eat, with some of the teaches doing the same.

"Oh Ron, you suck!" said Hermione, before she stormed off somewhere (library). Ron looked heartbroken as he watched her go. Ed just ignored them all, but noticed out of the corner of his eye, Harry's shifty eyes. He stopped eating, which the people sitting next to him were extremely grateful since Ed had been spraying them with bits of food, and watched Harry moved silently off the table and out the great doors. After what seemed to be only a couple of seconds, he saw Draco also get up and leave the hall.

Ed looked up to the staff table and saw Roys' eyes also following the blonde's movements. Roy soon turned his attention to Ed, and made some swishy movement with his hands. Ed stared, bewildered at Roy until Roy got so annoyed, he just shouted as Ed from where he was.

"Dammit, Ed, follow them already!" he shouted across the hall. Almost immediately, the hall went dead silent and all eyes were on Roy. Roy just smiled, waved and went back to eating. Everyone in the hall seemed to shrug and continue with their meals. But Ed didn't' notice this, since he was already out of the hall and stalking Draco.

He followed Draco to what seemed like ages, but in reality it was like only five minutes, until Draco stepped into a class room. When he shut the door behind him, Ed darted from behind the many suits of armour that filled up the castle, rolled around a bit on the floor for style and pressed his ear up to the door. After hearing only muffled sounds and what seemed to be people being pushed into desks, Ed immediately took action. Since he really didn't know where Harry was, he was hoping Draco did. He counted to ten in his head, before breaking down the door. Literally.

"Ah ha! So this is where that damn Defence against the Dark Arts classroom is! Oh, and why are you kissing Draco, Harry?"

If that isn't an awkward situation, then my name it Michael Jackson.

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**Ah, I love the smell of a finished chapter in the morning! Ooo, and it's a kind of cliffhanger! You'll just have to wait for the next chapter!**

**Good? Bad? What the hell? Please review and tell me! I also want to reach my goal of 100 reviews, so if you review, you'll be contributing to this story and helping it grow. Well, I'll stop now because I don't know what I'm writing, but review any way! Flames will be now given to my editor, who will grammar and spell check them and maybe add sentence or two, and send them back to me so I can then send them back to the senders. But, instead of putting me through that hard process, you can just not flame.**

**Ja, mata! and remember, like last chapter I need 5 reviews beforeI update! So, as i've said before in the paragraph above, please review!**

----------Editorial Note!

**Hahahaha, isn't Roy just sooooo inconspicuous? Yelling from across the room… **

**Oh yeah, Review! And that flamer, whoever you are, if you're reading this, DON'T. COME. BACK. Unless of course, to review! Because reviews are good, flames are bad, and praise is awesome. Also, if you people want food, the nice reviewers out there, I'll try my very absolute best to send you a cookie. Or something. And the flamer, be glad that no one knows who you are. Or else you'd be hunted down by little brother who will bite you and the government if I can get to them when I go to D.C. I have a Nerf gun and I'm not afraid to use it! Flamers of course, after they're shot dead by the Nerf gun of might, got to hell since they seem to get along oh so well!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Omg, w00t! another chapter!**

**Yes, everyone, this is going to be a RoyxEd AND a HarryxDraco story. And maybe some other parings like RonxHermione if I can pull it off! Yay for all!**

**Warnings: Boyxboy goodness, OOC to the max, swearing and Envy. Look people, I KNOW it's an all Out Of Character story. You really don't need to remind me in the reviews.**

**Don't worry, I may miss out some things in this story, but I am still getting it to follow the plot. Well, I'm trying any way, Damnit!**

**I was reading this fanfiction today and I found something that is now bugging me. You see, in this story, Envy's broken, dirty, unconscious and bleeding. Ed takes him in and treats his wounds. He also changes Envy out of his clothes into a large t-shirt and boxers.**

**But I was amazed about it the author forgot to note the awkwardness Ed would have gone through when changing Envy's clothes. Come on, that must have been really awkward for Ed! It might have just been the way the fic was written or something else like that. But it would have been great to know what Ed was thinking when taking off Envy's pants. I know, I'm such a hentai, but I can't help it. It just made me wonder.**

**And I will take this moment to thank all my reviewers, which I've decided to list here**: **Saphira's Ember, Me And My God Complex, ED'sGirl 4ever, SexySpoonsWillRuleUsAll, Rodrigo DeMolay, loser in the gutter, I love Malfoy as a ferret****. You guys are all AWESOME! Cookies for all!**

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_Last Time -----------------------------_

"**Ah ha! So this is where that damn Defence against the Dark Arts classroom is! Oh, and why are you kissing Draco, Harry?**

**If that isn't an awkward situation, then my name it Michael Jackson.**

_-----------------------------------------Now_

Harry tore his mouth away from Dracos with a look of genuine surprise on his face. This surprised look almost immediately was replaced with a look of terror, as Harry's eyes fell on the person who had interrupted his little time with Draco.

"What the he- oh, hello Ed" Harry stuttered out, his face red and moved away from Draco. Draco looked grumpy.

"Oi, why did you come here and who are you? Get out of here!" yelled Draco at Ed, advancing on him holding up his wand. No, the magical one.

"Why, Draco my home dog, there aint be violence while I'm here, ya dig?" said a voice, coming from across the classroom. All heads wiped to the direction the voice came from, and were shocked to see Dumbledore standing there.

"What the -"

"- FUCK!" bellowed out Harry. His face became ten thousand, two hundred and ninety seven times redder. Like a tomato with a hideous rash! He slowly backed away from the head minister, and would have run out of the classroom if Draco's arms didn't slide around his waist to stop him.

"Language, my homies, language" the old-new Dumbledore continued. Harry, Draco and Ed could just only gape at Dumbledore in wonder, before a disturbed Harry broke the silence.

"How long have you, err, been watching Draco and I?" asked Harry, being the angst nerd he is. Dumbledore coughed awkwardly.

"Well, I've been here the whole time, ya know? Well, I best be off, catch ya later, my dogs!" said Dumbledore before walking swiftly around the young teens and out of the door.

"Wait," said Harry, thinking over what Dumbledore said, "So that means that Dumbledore was watching Draco and I make out the whole tim- oh yuck, our head master's a pervert! Ed, you bett- oh shit, where did Ed go?"

Draco and Harry looked around the class room and sure enough, Ed wasn't there. They both just shrugged, Draco jumped on Harry and they went back to their making out passionately on the classroom floor.

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Ed had run out the class room as soon as Harry had turned to back. Ed's face red with embarrassment from what he saw, his mind trying to delete to mental pictures.

_Eh_, thought Ed, _I_ _wonder if they shower together…oh yuck, fucking mental pictures!_ Ed walked blindly through the castle, before walking into someone, knocking them other and falling on top of them. When Ed recovered from his head hitting a well-toned chest, his eyes were filled with shock when he saw who it was.

"Oh, hey Colonel!" said Ed, laughing nervously, his eyes all shifty-like and a light blush creeping onto his face. The position he was in was awkward. He was thrown over Roy, his arms beside Roy, prompting him up and keeping him from falling back down onto Roy's chest. And to make matters worst, Roy's arms soon found their way to Ed's waist and pulled Ed back down to against Roy's body. Oh, that didn't help the awkward situation or Ed's crush on the Colonel at all.

"Ed, are you ok?" asked Roy, his voice all husky and sexy like, from where he lay underneath Ed. Ed gulped.

"Y-yeah, I'll be ok. Just some mental pictures that I really didn't need to see. But it's all good, I'll deal. But I better get cracking, Colonel Bastard, I got some lesson to get to!" said Ed, pulling himself away from Roy's warm body. He got up quickly and ran away before Roy could call out his name. Roy looked depressed as he watched Ed turn the corner and was out of his sight, but his look was quickly replaced with concern as Roy got himself off the ground. Roy just shook his head. Ed must be losing his mind over something. Because, by god, the Ed he knew didn't say 'cracking'! Roy sighed, as he placed his hands in his pockets and thought about how else he could get Ed into an awkward situation. This time maybe with him on top, not Ed.

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And of course, the first lesson was on the top of the tallest building in this fucking castle. Oh yes. Top of the NORTH tower, not the south as Ed discovered once he got to the top of the SOUTH tower. A very helpful-but-yet-extremely-rude painting told him. Ed grumbled and made his way back down the south tower, which he spent a good ten minutes walking up. But on his way down, he did manage to catch up with Ron, Harry and Hermione, who just happened to be lost on their way to their fist lesson too, which just happened to be the same as Ed's first lesson. What a lucky break for our loved little shrimp. Oh joy.

Now, Ed is only at this castle of magic because he is meant to be a body guard. But he's doing a crap job. Crappy, crappy crappy! So, Ed decided to befriend the 'golden' trio. Awesome. It was either that, or getting a but-kicking from Roy.

"Hey guys, you mind if I hang out with you?" asked Ed, getting right to the point. This sounded extremely lame in Ed's mind. But also funny. Though mostly lame. The tri just shrugged.

"Sure."

"Whatever."

"I love you Harry!"

"Shut up, bitch!"

And thus started the journey to the class room. In the book, it involves a painting of a knight that leads them to the classroom by yell out crap, while the movie doesn't include that scene at all. So, we'll just go with the movie and they somehow magically get to the class room on time.

Again, the book describes the Divination classroom as an attic/tea shop, while the movie just makes it a class room. So blow this, it's an attic classroom, not a fucking gigantic room.

Ed thought this room was crap, as he followed Ron and Harry to a near by table. They all sat down, nervous about this lesson. Ed wasn't impressed, but was scared shitless when the teacher jumped out from the shadows.

Harry's first thought about the teacher was a bug, while Ed's first thought about the teacher was a vampire.

"Surprise! My horoscope said that I have to be creepy today, and of course you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only me. But let me give you my assurance that these predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of the is absolutely true. Where was I? **(1)** Oh yeah! We will be doing tea leaf readings, so get your asses up here and get some tea!"

So after, about 10 minutes of drinking tea, there were the tea leave readings to get through. And my god, were they boring.

"It looks like a cross…and that means your going to suffer. And there's this thing that looks like a sun. Hang on…that means "great happiness"…so you're gonna suffer, but be very happy! Wait…what the fuck?" Harry stated, reading Ron's tea leaves with the help of the Divination book they were suppose to get.

"Well, that's great to kno- holy shit, when did you get here Hermione?" replied Ron, jumping when he saw Hermione. Come to think about it, Ed couldn't remember coming into the class room with Hermione…

"Pshhhh, I was here the whole time. Also, this class sucks. Which I know, because I was here the whole time. My Ancient Runes class is a lot better." Said Hermione. Every one, Harry, Ron and Ed that is, stared at her. She was about to open her mouth again, when crazy bug and/or vampire teacher came along.

"Omg, you're gonna get eaten by a dog, which is called the Grim! And you girl, are going to fail everything!" she exclaimed, pointing at Harry, holding Harry's tea cup. Hermione's face became an interesting red colour. The rest of the class gasped, and put their hands over their mouths. Harry, however, looked depressed.

"Wow, I pictured my death a bit more…colourful then that…"

"Wait a minute…aren't Ancient Runes and Divination on at the same time?" Ron said, confused, efectivally reuining the moment. Every one who cared, Harry, Ron and Ed that is, looked at Hermione with interest, while the rest listened to the crazy bug and/or vampire teacher explained what a Grim was and how it will affect your life.

"…yeah so?"

"So how are you taking two classes at once?"

"I'm not, dumbass!"

"Except for the part, where you totally are?"

Hermione didn't answer, and the class was dismissed. They now 'golden' foursome, though only Ed was golden (his hair and eyes work wonders in the sun light), had Care of Magical Creatures class, which is out side the castle.

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But oh no, first they had Transfiguration class then lunch before Care of Magical Creatures class. However, this was just a waste of time, since nothing happened in it. Except, Ed's new to the whole transfiguration deal, so natural he had to complain.

"Look, Miss, this totally defies the law of equivalent exchange!" Ed challenged, the teacher Professor McGonagall after he saw her change into a cat and back.

"Mate, there's no equivalent exchange in the magic universe!"

"Well, that sucks."

"You know what sucks? You attitude! I don't go around saying crap about your favourite things, do I? NO, I don't!" yelled the teacher. The whole class slowly moved their desks away from the Professor McGonagall.

"Um, miss, are you ok?" Hermione asked the way-over the top. Professor McGonagall sighed, sat at her desk and placed her head in her hands.

"No, Miss Granger, I'm not ok. Do you know how hard it is to look after the new-old Dumbledore? The first one was great, and then he had to go die on us. We were desperate to find a Dumbledore before the next school year. The new-old Dumbledore was the one who looked liked the one Dumbledore and that's the only reason he's our head minister. But don't tell anyone!"

Everyone stared at the Professor. Who would have guessed Dumbledore was different! The only clues were his different hair and his totally new face.

"Ok, whatever. I now have to tell Harry not to worry about the Grim that crazy old teacher told you about!"

"Um, I wasn't worrying…"

"Shut up, I'm just doing what the script says."

"Ok then!"

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"Wow, is it just me or is Hagrid's hut in a totally different place then last year?" asked Ron, as him, Harry, Hermione and Ed walked down this hill to their next lesson, after that uneventful lunch.

"Yeah, and he has a garden this year as well…"

"Seriously, what is up with that?"

Harry remained quiet all through the others bickering. Ed couldn't work out why, until he saw who they shared the class with. Ed's face paled again.

"Well look, if it isn't Potty, Weasel, Miss know-it-all and…Ed!" sneered Draco, while his two minions laughed from behind him.

"Get stuffed, Malfoy!" was Ron's reply, right when the teacher called Hagrid turned up.

"Oh don't worry, I will be tonight!" Malfoy winked at Harry, while Ed's face picked up a green tint to it.

But Malfoy's rebuttal went unheard, as Hagrid became to speak.

"Hello and welcome to your first Care of Magical Creatures class. I, of course (insert hair flip) will be your teacher. Today we will be learning about Hippogriffs. No, I didn't just make that name up. I'll go get them now!"

Hagrid left for a couple of minutes and Ed was trying to maintain his cool. It also didn't help that Harry and Draco kept throwing glances at each other. Ed shuddered. He still couldn't' get over it. But soon enough, Hagrid came back with the so called Hippogriffs.

"Ok class, who would like to have a closer look?" asked Hagrid, clapping his hands together in child-like glee.

No one moved. Until the golden foursome stepped forward. Soon, the class followed. Hagrid smiled.

"Ok, so Harry, why don't you came and play with his deadly bird! I'll even let you ride him!"

Harry couldn't refuse the look that Hagrid sent him. So he just shrugged, and went to battle the feathery death for a while.

"Ooooo, Harry! Remember you tea leaves!" said this obnoxious girl whose name escapes me at the moment.

"My tea leaves said something about a dog, not a horsy bird! Shut up, bitch!"

So, after Harry battled the creature he got to ride it. They flew around Hogwarts for a while. Some where in all this Hermione grabbed Ron's hand, but she didn't let go as she watched the death defying stunts Harry pulled when in the air. Ron grinned to himself.

Soon Harry landed and everyone cheered. I don't know why, but they did. Draco got jealous and went to go show Harry that he did _not _wear the dress in this relationship.

"Outta my way! You aren't so harmless, are you, you great UGLY, SON OF A BITCH bird!" yelled Draco at the Hippogriff.

"Oh, and did I mention that they'll rip you apart if you insult them!" Hagrid quickly added, as the Hippogriff viewed Draco with its yellow eyes.

"Oh, _shit._"

So, of course, the Hippogriff totally owned Draco's arm.

"Ow, I'm dying! I'M DYING!" Draco whined on the ground, clutching his arm.

"You're not dying, Malfoy!"

"Damnit!" yelled Ron from where he stood in the crowd.

"Come on now, off to the hospital wing we go!" Hagrid then picked up Draco and skipped with his to the hospital wing in the castle. "Class dismissed!" he yelled over his shoulder.

"Oh, Hagrid should be sacked right away!" complained Draco's number one fan, Pansy. "I'm going to see how Draco is!" she said as she ran off. No one stopped her, all thankful that she left.

So, Ed wasn't having the best of days. But, it was now dinner time and that cheered him up. So, he happily walked with Harry, Hermione and Ron to the…dinner room.

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If Ed's day couldn't get any worse, there was always someone there to make sure it did.

"I'M BRINGING SEXY BACK!" bellowed someone in the entrance during dinner. Everyone, of course, was eating when they heard that person yelling. Who didn't hear them, they shouted loud fucking enough! So everyone immediately left their food and ran out to the entrance hall. Ed however, stayed seated as his face paled and whatever he was eating on his spoon fell onto his lap.

"Oh Jesus Christ no!" whispered Ed, he'd recognize that voice anyway, as he pushed his way through the crowd forming around the person singing. Ed face palmed when he saw who it was.

"THEM OTHER BOYS DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT!" yelled Envy, more then sang, that popular Justin Timberlake song. He also started to dance like the sexy bastard he is, with half of Hogwarts boys and girls cheering him on. Ed grumbled; knowing it was up to him to stop this dancing homunculus.

"_Envy! _What the fuck do you think your doing!" said Ed, as he yellowed at Envy. Envy stopped dancing, his face lightening up with joy as he saw who it was.

"O' Chibi san! What are you doing here! Let's dance!" Envy said and squealed like a little girl. Before Ed could run away, Envy grasped both of his hands and pulled Ed into a sort of waltz. Ed had the look of pure terror on his face. Everyone just stood there, watching this mad palm-tree like person dance with Edo.

"Aw, what a cute couple they make!" some random girl in the crowd said. Ed's face paled.

"Oh, shit no! Roy, Damnit, help me!" Ed shouted, as he turned and turned around with Envy. Roy stepped forwards and confronted Envy.

"You crazy palm tree! Give Ed back!"

What a hero he was! Poetry. His words are pure poetry!

"Oh, Colonel, I didn't' know you cared about poor little O' Chibi san!" taunted Envy, holding Ed closer to this chest and sticking his tongue out in Roy's direction. Roy's face immediately lit up with embarrassment.

"Well, you see- I, err- We, um- Need, erm- ok whatever, Envy just shut up and give Ed back!" shouted Roy at Envy.

"Well, ok then." said Envy, as he let go of Ed and pushed him roughly to Roy. Ed couldn't maintain balance and would of fallen over, if Roy hadn't have darted forward and caught Ed. Ed looked up into Roy's eyes and it became a romantic scene.

Cue the flowers, blowing around Ed and Roy thanks to some crafty students and the spot light the magic drama club just happen to produce to make the lovely scene before them glow brighter.

Cue loud squealing from all the Yaoi fan girls and boys who were watching this.

Again, it would have been a romantic scene if only Ed didn't sneeze in Roy's face thanks to the pollen in the air. Of course, God was just fucking with his head again. God's been doing that all Ed's life. It took Roy awhile to wash off his face, after he dropped Ed to the ground screaming out "Yuck!", and only let Ed near him again five minutes later. No one noticed when Envy snuck off to the door, broke the window next to it and jumped out the window and into the night. No, they all were too busy watching Ed and Roy.

"Sorry, Roy, but I'm allergic to pollen!"

"-Disgusting, gross, ew ew ew it's on my pretty face! I-"

"God Roy! Get over it!"

"-have to go have a long, hot shower now! Goodbye you disgusting person!" huffed Roy, before acting all snorting, sticking his nose up in the air and stalking off. Ed was left gaping in wonder of what went on in Roy's head. Everyone could only wonder. But since I'm the author of this story, I can make it whatever I want as long as I have an OOC warning at the start. Awesome.

'_I want Candy dan dan dan da dan I want Candy!_' Roy's mind sang to itself as it went go find a shower.

Well, we won't be doing that again any time soon.

Anyway, everyone called it a day and hit the hay in their dormitories. Ed laid down on his bed, welcoming the sleep. His last thought before letting sleep take over was;

'_I have Alchemy first thing tomorrow with Roy…_

_...I wonder what I should wear_.'

And with that, Ed went to sleep.

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(**_1_**) lyrics from the song _Your Horoscope for Today_ by _Weird Al_.

**Lol, I LOVE being random, don't you? Sorry, I just had to put Envy in the story somewhere. And isn't Ed and Envy dancing the CUTEST mental picture! Ahh, must fight writers block! AND not having a boyfriend! Damn you fate and you're evil, evil mind!**

**Good? Bad? Awesome? I need at least 3 more reviews before I can post the next chapter. 5 reviews would be excellent! Flames will be now given to my editor, who will grammar and spell check them and maybe add sentence or two, and send them back to me so I can then send them back to the senders. But, instead of putting me through that hard process, you can just not flame. Yay for all!**

-------------Editor's Note:

Indeed. Yay. OMG, I'M KILLING A BOOK! DAMN YOU, YOU STUPID ANNOTATING ASSIGNMENT WORTH 100 POINTS! DAMN YOU! YOU AND ALL THE STUPID HIGHLIGHTERS THAT BLEED THROUGH PAPER! WAAAAAAAAAH I KILLED A BOOK! On a happier note, doesn't everyone love the new-old Dumbledore? I know you do, so drop us a review! Especially since reviews are words and words are on pages and pages are in books therefore reviewing will RESURRECT THE STUPID IDIOT NINE DOLLAR BOOK THAT I KILLED!

Alright, I'm done. Review!

-DaRLinG1357


	5. Chapter 5

**Omg, sorry! It's taken me ages to get this chapter up!!! I know, I'm not dead yet! Sorry, but with all this school work, life now sucks. So it'll take me longer to get more chapters up.**

**I also have a few plot points to fill in. First off, as someone reviewed, Ed does has his automail. We'll get further into that as the chapter goes. And it'll also explain a couple more things, which I won't point out now.**

**The RoyEd may take a while coming, since I don't want to be sudden. I want it to grow over time.**

**Warnings: OOC TO THE MAX! If I get people telling me that the characters are OOC, I'll…say something mean to you or something, Swearing and BoyxBoy goodness. Oh wait, there's no BL in this chapter. As I'm trying to follow the chapters in the book as well. It's kinda confusing. Thanks to everyone who actually reads my ranting.**

**A BIG thanks to everyone that has reviewed this story! HAVE A COOKIE!**

**I DON'T OWN FMA!!!**

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Ed woke the next moring, to sunshine and rainbows and flowers and and…

Ok, ok he didn't wake up to any of that. Instead, he woke up to birds screeching their lungs out and banging against the windows. This sound made Ed jump a foot in the air, killing his dreams of caterpillars and flowers, which caused him to fall out of bed. I dunno why, just blame gravity. As Ed laid on the ground, wrapped pretty tightly in his sheets, a thought hit him.

_Wow, I really need a shower!_

So, Ed got off the ground, grapped his normal black clothes, red coat, underwear and his other bathroom equipment and went off to find the shower.

Now, Ed was born to rebel, so he wouldn't wear the school uniform. Thise caused a lot of problems and complaints from the teachers, which seemed to make Ed happy.

Anyway, after Ed had his shower, which was located in the left door of his dormitory room; he didn't realize that until he had looked everywhere else first. He walked out of the bathroom and found the rest of the boys just getting up. It was then that Ed realized the importance of today.

_OMG! Roy has his first class today!_

XXXXX-OMG magical time skip of DEATH-XXXXXXXX

"Welcome one and all. But, mostly third years. Sorry, to all those fourth years out there, you have to GET OUT!" Roy Mustang said, standing in front of the class. It was already first period and Ed was trying not to fall asleep. Hmm…maybe he shouldn't have stayed up late reading all those Slash Fanfics he brought with him. Anyway, as the last of the fourth years who thought they were cool by coming to a _third year_ class left the classroom, Roy continued.

"This semester, we will be learning the basic rules of Alchemy, and maybe how to make a paper bird or two. But more importantly; I've got a hangover, anyone knows what the means?" He asked the class. The class snapped to attention, after being asleep for the start of his speech.

"Anyone? Anyone at all? Oh come on! You kids can't be that young!" Nevile was the only one who slowly raised his hand. Roy saw this and broke into dance. "Yes, you with the disgusting face?"

"Doesn't it mean that you're drunk?" asked Nevile nervously. Roy's face broke into a grin.

"No, it means I was drunk _yesterday_" Roy said, chuckling to himself. Soon this became laughter, that upgraded into insane laughter.

"Doesn't that mean you're an alcoholic?" said Hermione. Roy stopped laughing and went dead silent.

"No." Roy said, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, after about five seconds of silence. Ed coughed something that sounded vaguely like, "Denial."

"Anyway-"

"Sir, you need some help!"Hermione said again, not taking a hint and continuing the conversation.

""Hmm…hmm...hhmmmHHHMMMMhhhmmm, what's your name?"Roy asked, sounding sweet. Ed, who was totally listening to this conversation, as was the rest of the class, knew that the sweet tone was fake. So very fake it hurt. So very sweet to ki-. Fake it hurt. Yeah.

"Hermione Granger, sir!"

"Miss Granger, _shut the fuck up!_"

Hermione looked shocked, sad, sick and angry. Ed, however, facepalmed at the totally Roy-ness of the situation. Though, Ed hit his forhead with his automail hand, which is just making it's appearance now. Of course, if you've ever hit your self with an automail, it bloody hurts like a lion getting eaten by ants or some simily like that. The bottom line is that it hurts. So, being Ed, you just have to swear.

"Ow, you mothing fucking piece of shit! I'm fucking going to fucking kill you!" Ed, standing up, yelled around the class for all to hear.

"Ed-, erm, Mr. Elric, it's alright to swear when you hurt yourself, but that was ridiculous!" Roy shouted at Ed, being totally OOC about the whole thing. "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" but after Roy said that, he paled. Ed stopped shouting and just glared at Roy. Roy knew he was roughly sixteen(hundred) feet under.

"You know very well Professor Mustang, that I have no mother!" Ed said angrily, which is like the only way he could of said it as it would have been awkward if he said it in a happy tone of voice, rolling his fist into balls.

"Well, erm, do you kiss girls with that mouth?" Roy tried again.

"Oh no," answered Ed sarcastically, "I only kiss guy-"

"Ed, why do you have a metal arm?" said Hermione, cutting off what Ed was only to say. Everyone heard what Hermione had said, as they stared over at Ed. Ed, not used to all this attention from people his age, slowly felt his face go red.

"What automail?" he said, his eyes darting around, moving his automail arm so that it was hidden by his back. "I don't have any automail…"

"Ed, I saw it, just give it up!" Said Hermione, curiosity filling her eyes. Ed sighed and looked at Roy for help. But Roy was no help, as he was just stood there with a look that said 'well, you would have had to explain it eventually'. Ed grumbled but went and told the story that he hated the most.

"It all started on a rainy night…"

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"And that's how bambi lost his mum." finished Ed, looking depressed and stuff. Harry and Ron were also crying. Herimone, however, wasn't.

"Oh how sad!" Harry and Ron cried out. Herimone tutted at her stupid, stupid friends.

"Um, Ed, weren't you suppose to tell us about how you got your automail?" Herimone asked.

"Oh yeah, sorry!" replied Ed, as he told them about getting his automail.

"Ok, well, itstartedonarainynightwhenmylittlebrotherAlandItriedtobringmymotherbacktolife-" Ed started, planning on telling the entire story in one breath.

Hermione gasped loudly, cutting him off.

"But, that's impossible! You can't bring someone back from the dead! That's stupid!" Hermione complained to Ed, waving her hands around madly. Ed sighed again, looking up at the trio. Harry, by the looks of it, became intrigued by this subject. Ed made a mental note to tell Roy about it later.

"So, how do you bring someone back from the dead?" Harry asked. Ed raised an eyebrow at this to look intelligent. Hermione, on the other hand, hit Harry.

"No! Harry, I know what you're thinking! You can't bring them back!" Hermione yelled, again, at Harry. Harry scowled and looked away, refusing to meet anyone's eyes.

"What? Did I miss something?" Ed asked. Hermione and Ron exchanged glances.

"No, no," Hermione finally muttered, still keeping her eyes on Harry. "Why don't you continue on with the story?"

"Ok, as I was saying. MylittlebrotherandItriedtobringmumbacktolife.ButwewerestupidandignoredalltherulesandendedupcreatingamonsterwhilemybrotherlosthisbodyandIlostmy leg.Ilostmyarmbyattachinghissoultoasuitofarmorandwewereall'Ohwoeisus'. And that's how I got my automail…" said Ed, all depressed and stuff.

"God, we asked for how you got you're automail, not your life story…" Hermione muttered like the unappreciative girl she is. But, we will still congratulate her and the people who understood it on understanding it.

"That's it?!? That wasn't long at all!" said Ron, laughing, before impersonating Ed. Badly. " 'My little brother and I tried to bring mum back to life. But, we were stupid and ignored all the rules and ended up creating a monster, while my brother lost his body and I lost my leg. I lost my arm by attaching his sould to a suit of armor and we were all 'Oh woe is us'."

"Wait a minute…can automail even work in this place?" asked Dean Thomas, who was eavesdropping in on the conversation. Everyone blinked at him and looked at him in a kind of 'No shit, Sherlock' way. They just ignored him and went back to the conversation.

"Other than being imperessed that Ron repeated everything Ed said, word for word, you know what Ron? I couldn't of said that any less un-caring as you did, if I tried." Harry drily commented to Ron. Ron just shrugged, not really caring what Harry thought of him. Ron turned to look at Herminone, and he saw to his dislike, angry tears running down her face.

"Ron, you are SUCH A JERK!" Herminoen screamed at Ron. This seemed to catch the attention of the rest of the class, since the lesson hadn't ended yet. Roy, from were he stood in from of the whiteboard, stopped drawing a basic array and turned, aghasted, to Hermione.

"Miss Granger, I am in the middl-"

"You cold-hearted jerk!" Hermione screamed again, totally ignoring Roy. But Roy didn't like to be ignore. So, he just yelled back at Hermione, like a child.

"Miss Granger, would you kindly STFU!" screeched Roy, almost throwing the dry erase marker in his hand at Hermione's face. The room went silent, the only sound coming from the deep breaths Roy was taking, trying to calm himself. Everyone else was trying to figure out what 'STFU' meant. With no computers and having never been in any chat rooms before, it took these kids quite a while. But Hermione, being a nerd, figured it out in only a couple of seconds.

"I hate you!" she half sobbed, half cried, before running from the room in a fit of tears. Everyone else, was dead silent. You would be too if your classmate ran from the room crying. Don't deny it, I know all. Roy sighed and dismissed them, as Ron ran out of the classroom to hunt down Hermione. Harry and Ed slowly followed after him. They both made their way to their next class, Potions.

Whoopdee-fucking-do

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Draco didn't turn up until the second lesson of Potions. Not that anyone noticed, nor cared. They didn't even care that he wasn't in their alchemy class.

"Now, since Draco is stinking rich and is teh shit, I shall not give him dentention, even though I would have given anyone else dentention. This just show that I'm pure evil and in love with everyone in my house. Muahahhah!" Snape ranted at the front of the class, not caring at all. "Oh, and too bad ladies DRACO'S GAY!"

There was silence. Utter silence so deep that you could drown in it. Or something. And then every girl who was in love with Draco started to cry. Which meant every girl but Hermione.

No one did anything in that lesson but cry. And play hand-ball. Snape tried several times to get the class in order, but failed each time. He was disappointed sending them off to an early lunch. Harry, Ron and Ed were discussing something stupid, when Harry proclaimed something.

"Wait…something's missing" muttered Harry, and Ron proceeded to spin around. They both looked up at the ceiling, in their book bags, in their shoes etc. While Ed was trying very hard not to hit them both. He failed.

"OW! What was that for?" asked Ron, clutching his poor abused head. Harry just pouted, rubbing his head as well. Ed sighed loudly, and was about to explain when the missing object returned.

"Hello!" said Hermione, as he marched up to the boys, as they made their way to Lunch. "I just forgot…something. Yes, you guys are too stupid to realize the truth anyway! So, off to lunch we go! HA HA HA HA HA!" finished Hermione, before laughing awkwardly and rushing off to lunch. Harry, Ron and Ed followed her, careful staying a safe distance away, just in case she went crazy on them.

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After Lunch, the Golden Trio, plus one, had their first Defense Against the Dark Arts class. They walked into the classroom and were surprised to find that Lupin wasn't there. And surprised to find a little old palm tree sitting behind Lupin's desk.

Upon new people entering the classroom, the palm tree moved his head to cast a look at the door, and squealed loudly.

"EDOOOO-CHAAAN!" the palm tree screeched, before moving around the desk and glomping Ed to the ground. Now everyone was confused, because palm trees couldn't talk. One by one they slowly realized that the palm tree was an actually person, and went back to their conversations. Harry, Ron and Hermione however, were having his huge spaz over the thing that was on Ed. Ed was still trying to work out how he got to the ground and what was with the weight on his chest.

"AHHH! HELP! The palm tree has Ed. THE PALM TREE HAS ED!" screamed Ron, and ran around in circles, his arms flying everywhere and knocking people out. Kinda like how I dance. Anyway, while he did this, Ed finally figured out what was happening! YAY for him!

"Gah, ENVY! Get the fuck off me!" Ed squealed thrashing and trying to throw Envy off this body. Soon, Ed was free of Envy and was ready to strangle the palm tree, when Lupin walked in.

"Envy, get out of this class, you sexy thing!" said Lupin, as he walked pass Envy and slapped his ass. Envy didn't look offended. Instead, he just giggled, winked and walked out the class room, swaying his hips not very subtly. The class was scarred for life about this, as the class had never seen boy on boy action before. Or man on palm tree before either. Except Ed and his fantasy. And Harry and his action with Draco.

"Now, class...this is Defense Against the Dark Arts…." and Ed's minds already trailed off. Since he already knew Lupin. He was left to his day dreams, about daisy and butterflies and Roy undressing to have a shower…

Ed shook his head, quickly trying to get _that _mental picture of his head. He quickly looked around the class room, making sure that no one had saw him and the huge blush in his face, and saw that every girl in the class was staring at Draco. Ed gave a questionable gaze to the girls' staring, and Lupin seemed to notice as well.

"Girls! What is with you? Why are you staring at Draco? Can't you be more subtle about it!" declared Lupin. The girls all blushed, until a brave one stuttered out an answer.

"Beca- because he's…he is GAY!" she broke off in tears, and all the girls, except Hermione, started to cry. Lupin just sighed and shook his head. Ed, however, knocked his quill off his desk for no reason at all. What a random, random tragic-magnet boy he is. Draco just nodded and stole a quick wink at Harry, who blushed and looked away. Ed blushed again at the extremely cute pout Harry was making, and then mentally cursed himself for thinking about another boy when Roy was undressing. He then mentally killed himself for thinking about Roy naked again. Then he mentally killed himself twice over, since he was blushing for the fifth time that lesson. Then he shook his head at the stupidity of the class, as they still whined about how Draco was too hot to be gay. Until one slash fan girl took her stand.

No, seriously, she actually stood up in class to get everyone's attention.

"Wait a second!" she declared randomly, so naturally everybody had to listen to her. It's not like they had any lives or something! Hell no! What a stupid thing to think, "If Draco's gay, then who is he gay with?" immediately, every girl shut up, and the rest of the guys who were in the class were playing the rough sport of hand-ball. Almost all at once the girls started up again.

Ed stared in wonder at the girls as they thought over who should Draco be 'shagging'. He gave a quick glance to Harry, to make sure he hadn't fainted and/or hurt anyone. He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding when he saw that Harry hadn't moved at all. Paperwork for the deaths was always a bitch to deal with.

"You know what would be hot?" one fan girl declared, successfully getting the attention of the rest of the class. "Harry Potter!"

There was silence.

"Well, I guess it would work…"

"EW no!"

"Harry Potter is STRAIGHT!"

"Draco would NEVER kiss someone as low as Harry bloody Potter!"

"Hey, I fully support Harry and Draco! Draco is a sex god and Harry isn't as stupid as he looks!" declared Lupin. No one payed Lupin any attention, as they were too busy staring at Harry. Harry soon found his hands very interesting, this face red like a burnt tomato. The girls just laughed louder.

"Oh yeah, that's rich! Draco would NEVER date a loser like The Bloody Boy Who Will NOT Die!" said a snotty Slytherin. Draco openly twitched at this, angry showing on his face for only a second, before it was whipped away and replaced with a smirk.

"Really?" Draco said in a dry voice. That shut up all the girls again. Even Harry snuck a quick glance at Draco. "Why can't I date Harry Potter?" he asked the girls. Big mistake, as he was bombarded with questions all at once.

"Because he's your archenemy-"

"-You two would look so-"

"-The two of you naked-"

"-God, I'm getting a nose blee-"

"-KISS HIM DRACO!" that last sentence from the slash fan girl. The girls went silent again, with only the cheers from the guys playing hand-ball in the corner could be heard. Then, one by one, the fan girls turned to Harry, as a new fan base started.

"Um, I'm not really that way…" Harry quickly tried to explain himself, but Ed knew he was lying through his teeth. So did Draco, knowing better than anyone could have dreamed about.

"WE DON'T CARE!" the fan girls sang together. "JUST KISS HIM ALREADY!" this caused Harry to blush darker, if that was possible and Ron's face took an unusual shade of red.

"Oi!" he called out, standing up and getting the squealing fan girls attention. "If my best friend says he doesn't kiss guys, THEN HE DOESN'T KISS GUYS, OK?"

"Oh what do you know?"

"You're just a stupid weasel!"

"Your face is stupid!"

This continued for a while, the girls against Ron, until the Teacher finally made an appearance…

"Right, class!" said Lupin, as he came through the class room door again, holding a pretzel. Upon hearing the teacher's voice, the class froze. Especially the fan girls, who were trying to force Draco's and Harry's heads together in a none too kindly way.

"Where the hell did you go to?" said Dean Thomas, rudely to Lupin. Lupin just raised the half-eaten pretzel in one hand and went to his desk at the front of the class. He stood there, watching the class like a hawk, until everyone went back to their seats and where strangely quiet. A couple of fake coughs where heard, some dumb people trying to start a coughing chain, but other than that and a couple of giggles, the class was quiet.

Ed raised an eyebrow at Lupin, wondering what he was planning. He snuck a quite glance towards Harry and saw, to his secret delight that Harry was still blushing madly. He resisted the urge to a giggle, as he would never giggle in public, and turned his attention back to Lupin. Lupin stared the class down for a while, before scaring them shitless.

"ALRIGHTCLASSFOLLOWMEWHERE'REGOINGTOTHESTAFFROOMNOWNOWNOW" he shouted loudly at the class, making everybody jump off their chairs and fall to the ground. Lupin skipped out of the class and the class groaned as they picked themselves off of the ground. Ed sighed, Ron gulped, Hermione tittered and Harry winced, as they all followed Lupin to the staff room for a magical adventure.

A magical adventure to Candy Mountain, Charlie.

"WELCOME TO CANDY MOUNTAIN KIDDES!"Lupin yelled loudly, throwing back the door and making hit the wall with a loud bang.

"Um, Professor, this is the staff room…"muttered Hermione, nervous to approach the clearly insane teacher.

"Yes, Miss Granger, that's what I said, Candy Mountain."

"But it's the staff room…"

"I know it's Candy Mountain!

"It's the-"

"Candy Mountain. Yes, I know. Moving on." Lupin shooed Hermione's questions away with his hand, totally obviously to the worried expressions of his class, "Today's lesson we will be learning about Boggarts and now to laugh at them…Oh Professor Snape, didn't you see there old chap!"

Yes, the Staffroom/Candy Mountain wasn't empty, as Snape sat in one of the many arm chairs, reading a book. He gave the class one good stare, before getting up and walking towards them.

"You guys are insane, out of my way!" he said, pushing past them and successfully leaving the classroom. Lupin sighed and hurried everybody in.

"Come, come class! Sit down everyone! No, that doesn't mean sit in people's laps, Miss AngleHeart, get out of his lap now! Right, as I was saying, today we will go laugh at some Boggarts. Any questions?"

Many hands shot up, but he ignored them all.

"None? Ok! Everybody, line up in front of this old wardrobe!"

"But sir, people may not know what a Boggart is!" wailed Hermione, while everybody moved into a line. Lupin wasn't even caring, as he fiddled around with his music. Lupin completely ignored her.

"Come on kiddies, we're gonna learn how to laugh at Boggarts" Lupin commented from where he was, turning around and clapping his hands together.

"Alright! You, fat, ugly boy!" he shouted into the line of kids. Neville stepped forward.

"Yes sir?"

"What are you afraid of?"

"Butterflies."

"No, be serious!"

"I am…"

"Well, that's stupid! You are now afraid of Professor Snape."

"But I'm not afrai-"

"Agree or I'll hex you!" threaten Lupin, jumping about and waving his magic wand around. Neville sighed, and the rest of the class sweat dropped.

"Alright, alright," agreed Neville, not wanting to be hexed. Any more then his daily amount. Of being hexed, that is.

"Great, now, when the Boggart jumps out, it SHOULD take the form of Professor Snape. When it does, imagine him in your Grandmother's clothing!"

"How do you know I live with my Grandmother…"

"READYSETGO!" Lupin shouted, through the wardrobe door that suddenly appeared there. And out jumped Professor Snape. His robes blowing everywhere behind him, thanks to the fan that Lupin placed behind Mr. Boggart Snape. Boggart Snape's gave burned into Neville's eyes, until POP! Boggart Snape turned into Drag Boggart Snape!

"Short mini skirt? I wanted a short dress damnit! ONE THOUSAIND FIVE HUNDRED POINTS FROM GIFFENDOR!" shouted the fake, Drag-dressing Snape. Lupin motioned for the next person in line to face the Boggart.

Ron stepped forward, not knowing what the hell was going on. CRACK and the Boggart turned into a spider. Many people screamed. It was then that Lupin realized that he hadn't told the kids what they're meant to do.

"Oh shit, WHEN THE BOGGART CHANGES, THINK OF IT DOING SOMETHING FUNNY AND YELL 'RIDDKULUS'!"Lupin screamed in Ron's direction, too busy putting on some jazzy music to care. The music cancelled out most of the screaming as the spider moved it's way closer to the class. Ron, thinking quickly for someone so stupid, put on his thinking face, yelled out 'Riddikulus!' and POOF! The spider had rollerblades on. Lupin, who was dancing along to the music and unaware of the classes fear, motioned for the next person to move forward. Parvati stepped forward. POOF! Spider-trying-to-figure-out-how-to-rollerblade changed into a snake. As the snake advanced forward, Paravti closed her eyes, screamed out, "Riddikulus!" and POOF AGAIN! The scary snake changes into a GIANT SCARY CLOWN JACK-IN-THE-BOX. It wasn't very fun. But Lupin ignored it, and motioned to the next person in the line, which just happened to be Harry.

Harry glanced over at Lupin, as if asking if he should go next, as that fucking scary jack-in-th-box kept swinging.

"Sir", Harry started "do you think I should have a go…" doubt clouding his face. Lupin just shrugged.

"Sure, I'm sure nothing in your life that you've witnesses with give your fellow classmates heart attacks at all!" cheered on Lupin. Harry sighed and stepped towards the Boggart. The Boggart turned into a really creepy dementor.

"Ah! CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL!" Lupin screamed, literally ruby tackling Harry to the ground. Where Lupin lay in top of Harry in a very sexy position, he yelled at them "Quick, kids, LAUGH AT IT!" pointing at the rest of the class. The rest of the class looked at each other, before giving out awkward, false laughter. The Boggart, hearing this fake laughter, exploded.

"Right, CLASS DIMISSED!" yelled Lupin, and pointed to the door. The class left in a hurry, chatting excitedly about the lesson.

"That was the most confusing thing ever. Did you guys even understand what a Boggart is and what it does? He didn't explain anything!" Hermione whined and bitched about the class to the guys. "Though, I wish I had a chance with the Boggart…"

Ed was very confused, and was regretting every agreeing to this mission. He made another mental note to see Roy later, and hopefully Roy would take of this shirt. Ed groaned, knowing what he had thought, but couldn't deny it. Roy had a really nice chest!

"What would it change into? A homework piece with only 9 out if 10? AH HA HA HA HAHA I'm so funny!" Ron joked. Everyone else just looked at him strangely and forgot what just happened.

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**OMG, sorry again for the very slow update!!! I'M SO SORRY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!**

**Yes, I KNOW everyone is insane in this story. But it's too much fun to XD! Next chapter, there'll be more Ed and Roy time. I promise. I got lazy with this chapter, and I'm sorry about that too!**

**Love it? Hate it? Wondering if there's still a plot line in the story? Please Review and tell me! Flames will be now given to my editor, who will grammar and spell check them and maybe add sentence or two, and send them back to me so I can then send them back to the senders. But, instead of putting me through that hard process, you can just not flame.**

**Reviews are what make us Authors go round.**

---editor's note

Yes, and Gawd knows that what we need. I mean, I almost ran out of things to do on my –Things to do so I can avoid homework- list. That would have been terrible. But luckily, Panic sent me this chapter and I was SAVED!! Not that I really needed saving because of spring break and but ANYWHO!! Review, compliment and flatter my dearest authoress into writing, alright? Or else… MURPHY SHALL HATE YOU!!! And you don't want Murphy o hate you because when Murphy hates you, life is a sad, sad place to be. I know because Murphy hates me. And I'm currently failing school. Not that it has anything to do with me avoiding homework or anything, really!! But yeah. Review. Toodles, darlings!


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